Uncle. I’m crying uncle.
I’ve been in bed for most of three and a half days. No, I haven’t puked. But, I feel awful. Does that still count?
My fingernails. I don’t know exactly what’s happening–nails growing under my nails?–but something is happening with my nails. My nail beds hurt when I pull the blanket over me, or when I grab a towel, or when I pull up pants.
My eyelids. They are so puffy. And my eyes are red. I look like cancer. I officially do not look like me, despite all the reassurances of those around me. I am so over this. I want my eyebrows, my hair, my ability to wear make up…I want these things back. I want my face back.
My skin, my chest, my neck. It’s all so tender. SO tender. I’m currently freaking out, imagining that I have cancer growing in my left breast.
My freaking thermostat. I have hot flashes, heat waves, night sweats, night chills…
My muscles. They ache and lose tone at the same time.
My chest. It feels tight. I just had an echocardiogram. The results were not worrisome. But the tightness. Is this something I should worry about? I don’t even know.
My energy. Oh, man. I have never been one to take naps and now my days are just sleep, rest and every now and then a burst of energy. It lasts about five minutes tops.
My bladder. I was up 7-8 times last night. Have to keep the bladder empty because we don’t want the chemo to sit in there and destroy the lining of my bladder.
My mouth. It’s like I’ve been sucking on a copper lozenge. I hate this taste in my mouth. I hate the way food feels in my mouth. But, food is the only thing that makes my stomach feel better. Oh, it sucks it sucks it sucks.
And I am NOT cheering myself on with “one more time”. I am thinking I NEVER want to do this again.
All this just to hopefully stay alive. It’s a pain. It’s not a joy. I am tired of being so needy and achy and grumpy.
Even when I can escape through a show on my iPad, I see my reflection, bald and tired and not me. But, sadly, it is me.
Oh, to have my old face, my old breasts, my old life.
In a few days, my energy will be returning, my attitude will be restored. But, today is Sadderday.