Uncle. I’m crying uncle.

I’ve been in bed for most of three and a half days. No, I haven’t puked. But, I feel awful. Does that still count?

My fingernails. I don’t know exactly what’s happening–nails growing under my nails?–but something is happening with my nails. My nail beds hurt when I pull the blanket over me, or when I grab a towel, or when I pull up pants.

My eyelids. They are so puffy. And my eyes are red. I look like cancer. I officially do not look like me, despite all the reassurances of those around me. I am so over this. I want my eyebrows, my hair, my ability to wear make up…I want these things back. I want my face back.

My skin, my chest, my neck. It’s all so tender. SO tender. I’m currently freaking out, imagining that I have cancer growing in my left breast.

My freaking thermostat. I have hot flashes, heat waves, night sweats, night chills…

My muscles. They ache and lose tone at the same time.

My chest. It feels tight. I just had an echocardiogram. The results were not worrisome. But the tightness. Is this something I should worry about? I don’t even know.

My energy. Oh, man. I have never been one to take naps and now my days are just sleep, rest and every now and then a burst of energy. It lasts about five minutes tops.

My bladder. I was up 7-8 times last night. Have to keep the bladder empty because we don’t want the chemo to sit in there and destroy the lining of my bladder.

My mouth. It’s like I’ve been sucking on a copper lozenge. I hate this taste in my mouth. I hate the way food feels in my mouth. But, food is the only thing that makes my stomach feel better. Oh, it sucks it sucks it sucks.

And I am NOT cheering myself on with “one more time”. I am thinking I NEVER want to do this again.

All this just to hopefully stay alive. It’s a pain. It’s not a joy. I am tired of being so needy and achy and grumpy.

Even when I can escape through a show on my iPad, I see my reflection, bald and tired and not me. But, sadly, it is me.

Oh, to have my old face, my old breasts, my old life.

In a few days, my energy will be returning, my attitude will be restored. But, today is Sadderday.

15 thoughts on “sadderday

  1. Baby sister…we all have sadderdays!! It’s ok to have yours. I cry for you. I know that there is pain and suffering and exhaustion beyond comprehension. It’s ok to grieve what you had, what you are enduring, to just be. Remember even Jesus wept. Let the sadness come, cry, release, and then let those closest to you, hold you. Just hold. No words are needed. Just comfort. When we feel the pain then we know we can also feel the exhilarating joy that will come. Loving you from hundreds of miles away.


  2. Jenna, I am so incredibly sorry. My heart physically aches for you. Crying as I read this and pleading with God to take this burden, pain, sadness, nausea, grief, fear, exhaustion, and cancer from you. I don’t know what else to say. My heart is broken. I love you and I am so sorry you are going through this. I know that you are God’s girl and He will bring you through this but I will pray without ceasing. Love you, Jenna, more than words can express. Joy


  3. Hi Jenna,
    I read your post. I don’t have anything profound to say or even anything that feels helpful other than I have wandered about my kitchen for the last hour thinking about you. I want you to have your face, your fingernails, your life back. Who knew how much of life was actually in those things? I’m glad you posted and didn’t wait until your “good attitude” returned. We will just be right there with you in spirit, which is lamer than being there in person, I know. But still there. And I love you.


  4. Dear Jenna. My heart breaks for you. Somehow I just know you will beat this. You are loved by so many. It’s O.K. to feel angry or ask Why. Thinking of you. Love to you!!!


  5. I lit a candle for you today at church. Prayers and blessings are the only thing I can leave you with as you journey through this with the grace, humor, love, anger, fear, frustration and most of all love! You are love Jenna!


  6. This may seem simple, and it does not feel like enough, but I am praying for your fingernails, Jenna. I believe that being a cheerleader for what may seem ‘small’ can sometimes be the enough to get you through another day. Loving you…


  7. Oh Jenna. How we are saddened by your awful situation. You really got some bad lemons off your tree. Please know soooo many are thinking of and praying for you in this horrific time. We women can understand better than most how hard it must be to be bald and without eyebrows. It must wreck – even your identity. Know you’re trying to keep a stiff upper lip consistently. You’re an incredible trouper. Hang in there and know how you’re loved. And so many are praying that it HAS to get better. Luv u s’much.
    Blessings,. Nancy and Ralph


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