I think this blog might be helpful for even my closest friends and family. In person, I can’t relay a story without interrupting myself like fifty times. Sometimes I remember an uneccessary detail or a connecting point, and I just have to include it. A lot of times, I’m struck by a pretty flower or an amazing cumulonimbus cloud or a dog with the most hilarious ears and I have to stop and enjoy it. Most times lately, my thoughts vaporize because I catch an imagination of myself without hair or remember a phrase I read like “heart-toxic drugs” and I’m lost. I’m hard to follow in person.
I want to tell you all the things. I want to pick up the story when I called my sister. (Actually, I kinda want her to tell that part.) I want to tell you about all the details that feel like God’s grace. I want to educate you on cancer stuff. But, I can’t tell it all in order. So I don’t know how the order of things–of posts–will go. Just know that I want to tell you everything, all at once, and it’s hard for me to order my thoughts.
Here’s a thought that doesn’t have to fit in a particular story: I’m not shocked I have cancer. Even though I have no risk factors, I never thought I was safe from it. But there are moments when I think, “oh. I’m the only one on my block who has cancer.” Or,”I’m the only one at my church who has cancer.” Or, “I’m the only mom I know of at my childrens’ school who currently has cancer.” I’m not saying I feel alone. I don’t actually. They are just observations devoid of detectable emotion. However, I’ve honestly thought I’m glad to have cancer if it means that no one has to feel like “the only one” when I’m around. Maybe after my next chemo, or come October, I will curse that thought. But, I have a few friends who are battling cancer or have survived it and they have been the most immediate source of comfort.
Makes me think of 2 Corinthians 1:3-4. “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”
The God of all comfort…yes, I believe that. I have stories to tell. (Just not in any particular order!)